somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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