I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
