I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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