oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
