I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
