I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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