he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
