I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
