it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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