I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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