u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
