Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
