if you like me you must not know who I am
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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