The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
