btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
