i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
