Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
