So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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