Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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