I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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