I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
