Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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