i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
