I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Boobs speak an international language.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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