last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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