I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
