could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
