...so i touched it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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