i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
