I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
