John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
