I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
