if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize