I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
