Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The ass gains better be worth it
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