I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
