You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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