the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
