i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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