I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
