i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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