If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
and you fell through a lawn chair
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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