Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
