I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This is the high leading the old right now
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
