New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
