There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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