T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
