Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
