You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
