i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
