I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
