ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
