I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
