Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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