i don't like sucking hair
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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