you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
